Of Marriage and Ducks

I believe that the truth will set you free. There are times when being discreet is good, and oversharing is a real thing. However, I am going to be very open with you all. There are a few reasons for this; it is only when you are open and show people the real you, that you can have people really love you, more vulnerable and open sharing brings me more growth, and hopefully this policy of vulnerability and openness will help others. With this explanation in place, I welcome you to read on and learn of some of my struggles and triumphs of the last couple weeks.

I started this post a few days ago when the ruthless furnace aspect of the world was hitting me harder and it was hard to find a way to accept gladness. I felt very restless and like some bigger changes are coming, either by choice or involuntary. Thankfully, I am in much higher spirits now.

Fast approaching, and indeed already begun, are my college finals. I have less than two weeks left, and cannot wait to be done. This is a time of some stress and insecurity for me. I am so burnt out from school work and longing for my summer vacation, but yet I am in one of the hardest parts of the semester. School has some big logs in my ruthless furnace right now. I realized while looking forward to my summer break, that due to the college class I took last summer, I have not had any substantial brakes from college and textbooks in over a year. Also during that year I went on three service trips, including one overseas, plus a family trip to visit cousins. I am so excited to visit my cousins next month and not pack textbooks in my luggage. The thought of how light my duffle bag will be on sleepovers with friends, minus the textbooks and laptop I will not need, is thrilling! This is a temporary change to my schedule that I am totally in favor of.

Another log in my ruthless furnace and piece of my restlessness was dealing with boys...well really men and marriage. I am what some would term "a child of divorce.", and both of my parents are with people who have been divorced. There are lots more divorces and separations among my aunts, uncles, and cousins. I just counted ten off the top of my head. I have seen beautiful marriages. Long lasting marriages where the couple have learned to support each other in intuitive ways, and to be filled with happiness doing it. Looking at them, and the destructive, unhappy, or prematurely ended marriages around them, I can see some of how they went right where the others went wrong, but I also find things that confuse and worry me. The power of free will is the most frightening. No matter how amazing of a wife I pull off being, there is nothing I can do to guarantee that my husband will keep loving me, that he will stay with me, forgive me, have fun with me, etc. Almost everything that can go wrong in a marriage can also be overcome, and even make the marriage stronger because of the couple joining together to fight and overcome as a unit. There is no guarantee that anyone will want to fight and overcome though. That is what scares me about free will. I long for a good marriage. I enjoy alone time, but something I like even more is being with someone I am super close to and doing my alone time stuff with them. For example, I am laying on the bed doing my homework (because my favorite homework position is flat on my stomach) while they are sitting at the desk doing some online shopping. I want to be that kind of life long companion with someone. We are not doing anything together, but we still want to be together. I also want a ministry partner. Some of my biggest heroes are single women who devoted their lives to ministry, however I would like someone to share the burden with. We do not even need to be doing the exact same ministry. I want someone I can fully share with, someone to pray with every night (and more!) about the people we care about and are trying to help. I want someone who will just hold me when the enormity of the task seems too much and what we can accomplish seems too small. What is interesting and rather ironic, is that although I want marriage, it is not when I don't have guys I am interested in that I am the most worried. I get most concerned when a guy seems more and more like he could be a fantastic match. Choosing a spouse is one of the most, if not the most, important decisions I will make as an adult. I do not want to choose poorly. Therefore, it is when a man seems to be presenting himself as a good choice that I start minority freaking out. When there is no option, there is only waiting.

And let me tell you, waiting does not mean doing nothing! Waiting means working on building good habits, and ending bad ones. Waiting means enjoying my time with my first family before I move away and start my own. Waiting means schoolwork, friends, church, volunteering, walks in the woods or at the beach, etc.

Speaking of volunteering. Waiting means I was free to spend the weekend before this last one helping at an InterVarsity retreat center in the woods on a lake in the western part of my state. The first day was spent mostly shoveling dirt and gravel. Our leader said it well "There is nothing fun about shoveling rock." While I agree with him that it is not fun, it is rewarding to see a space transformed and know it was your sore muscles and perseverance (along with the rest of the team's) that did it. The next day I waved goodbye to my teammates who went hiking while I stayed at the center until early afternoon and enjoyed being in nature, just me and God. I started devotions in their outdoor "chapel" (a few sad rotting wooden benches down an overgrown trail with a huge cross at one end) than moved on to stage two of Bible reading and journaling in a kayak on the small private lake, and then I finished the afternoon walking down one of their mossy trails taking pictures, praying, and singing worship.

Doesn't this path look so inviting?

I not only walked over this adorable little bridge, I sat cross legged
and barefoot on it for a while just singing.

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention I did the whole walk barefoot
and not only got mud between my toes, but also stabbed myself
and bled from a stick?

I love all the colorful and beautiful details to be discovered.

I learned a little bit about rest that day, mostly that it is okay to do. I was feeling like maybe I should only spend two hours instead of the five I could and go to a group meeting. I felt guilty for not wanting to go, but instead wanting an extra three hours to be by myself reading, writing, singing, and walking. Then I went paddling out into the lake and read in Exodus that God commanded the Israelites to rest on the seventh day. This was such a serious offense that death was the punishment! It said that when God himself created the world in six days that after "He rested and was refreshed." Here I had been feeling guilty for wanting three hours, but no longer. I went with a light and happy heart into those woods.

Sunset on the lake where I learned it is okay to take time to rest

Not only did I get to see ducks on the lake, I also saw loons,
a tadpole, and a turtle!

That is all for tonight (which you are probably super thankful for if you even made it this far!) Thank you for your support, love, and friendship. I hope you all find time to feed your souls with volunteering and time alone with God.

Love,

Tatiana

Prayer Points (because even if I am not overseas I could still use some!)

• That I will finish the semester well
• That I will find time to pack for my trip and will not forget anything important!
• That I will be doing what I should to prepare for my upcoming trips overseas (I am going to look at sending off my passport for visa number one this week)
• Thanks that the semester is almost over, and that I had such a wonderful weekend at Toah Nipi
• For all the Chinese kids that America World has files for to find families
• For the kids that I will be meeting on my next overseas trip.