Church in a Hostel

 Last Sunday, I got to visit my afternoon students at their hostel. It was not the easiest place to get to, but not the hardest either. I stopped first at the directors' house, and after I had my passenger securely seated behind me, I followed the directors on motorbike the twenty minute journey. I was warned at the beginning that it was a "dusty road" and it was a good thing I had "long feet". The beginning of the trip was fine. We went up and down relativity well paved roads and I got to see just a little bit more of this country. Then we turned into a dirt road, and it was still fine because it was hard packed and easy to drive on. Then we got to the part that might be dusty in the dry season, but at this point was mud. When I say mud I don't mean little easily avoidable puddles, I mean the entire road from one side to the other for multiple stretches of up to fifteen feet is inches of very slippery clay. The kind of clay mud that makes very good bricks, and is pigmented enough to stain your skin orange. At the worst part my passenger had to get off and walk and I was starting to wonder if I should ask to leave the bike and walk myself! The motorscooter slipped so much and I was somewhat desperately using my legs to stabilize it while trying not to step directly in a puddle. At one point I lost my shoe in the mud and wondered why I was even wearing shoes. Just when I was getting ready to tell them I didn't think I could do it, we turned again into a dry and very hard packed path. I hoped there were no more bad mud patches, and to my relief the path we were on was the driveway and we were shortly at the hostel.

The kids were all milling around, and laughed when I took photos of my feet to show you all what getting to church was like that day. I've never arrived so filthy to church before, and thankfully I did not actually attend the service in this state. A few different kids took turns drawing buckets of water up from the well for me to wash my feet with. I realized pretty quickly that my feet and legs were stained orange so there was only so clean looking I was going to get. Also, this was very sticky clay and I started to get embarrassed at how long it was taking me to wash up and eventually decided it was good enough, especially because I had to go home via the same muddy road.

Church itself was a simple and heartfelt affair. Something that has really stood out to me is how all three of my student groups sing. They are loud! and they look so involved in what they are singing. Many of them shut their eyes, raise their arms, and belt out the words at the top of their lungs with scrunched up ernest faces.

I was asked to share a message with the kids. Either preaching or give my testimony. Preaching seemed so beyond me, especially with the time frame I was given to prepare, so I chose the later. I told the kids about how my story of faith really starts with my mother who became a Christian only after she had my older sister and realized she needed to figure out how to nurture her soul as well as her body. I told them my mother read to me from the Bible every night when I was growing up and there is not any point in time that I can remember not believing in God and trusting Him. I told them I thought growing up that I would live a rather boring and quiet life and my plan was to be a wife and mother. That I went to a three month Bible school program when I was seventeen and did a lot of praying about the future. I asked God what He wanted me to do with my life. One night He answered and told me I was to go to Vietnam and help Orphan Voice. I knew very little about this organization, had never given them money, rarely prayed for them, and did not even read all their newsletters. I did not even know if they allowed people to visit them to help out. I dismissed it as a very strange thought and not the voice of God...until I checked my email the next day and I had an email from Orphan Voice saying that they had some teams coming from the U.S., including one from Massachusetts (where I was living at the time) and they needed more people to join. I told them I was very scared of doing such a thing. The farthest my parents had gone from home was Tijuana, Mexico (which if you don't know is a city that borders the U.S., aka they did not go very far at all!) World travel was not something familiar. It took faith, courage, and obedience to go to Vietnam that first time. There was something surreal about traveling to the exact opposite side of the world as far as I could be from home when my own parents had never left the continent, and had never even gone to countries that did not border our own. I told the kids that when I was little I was scared a lot. I did not tell them that I used to sing a song about how God was with me and I did not have to be afraid literally every single time I had to go into my basement by myself for years. I told them that I still get scared a lot of the time, but I did not tell them that I was scared (nervous) in that very moment presenting at their simple church service. I told them how important it is to obey God. That God might ask them to travel to the other side of the world, but He might ask them to stay home and help their neighbors and family. I told them how happy I was that I had said okay and gone when God told me to, especially because if I had not, I would not have been talking to them in that moment. The only reason I am typing this blog post in a Burmese hotel in northern Myanmar is because a friend heard me talking about my trips to Vietnam and said "You should go to Myanmar and help my mom. She runs an orphanage there." I still am an easily intimidated person and I think that I would have been quite happy and content to be a wife and mom who never strayed far from home. However, this life is better. My travels make me rely on God more closely and grow my faith. The kids I have met will stay with me forever. Asia feels like home in a almost bizarrely effortless way. I am never more happy and fulfilled as when I feel like I am being useful and making a difference, and I feel like I do here. Enough talking for now. Enjoy the photos I took after church below!

This baby does not like me.

This girl amazes me with how chic she pulls off being all the time.

Fun fact: three of these kids are related. The girl in the black jacket is the sister of the smiling boy, and the other young man in the background. 

The directors' girl loves all her playmates

Drawing water is serious business.

Front shot of the sister from three photos ago

Eating salt water taffy. They all seemed to like
this strange new American candy.

The way the kids look out for each other is a beautiful example of how anyone can make up a loving family.

Trying to reach a leaf

He is often serious and quiet, but that only makes his quiet jokes during class
 funnier.  Today I was asking a student what they were doing (looking for the
answer sitting in a chair) and he mumbled in the back "going home".

This girl is a born mother. She has no blood tie to the baby, but the baby looks to
her as a caretaker, and the girl gladly responds.

Of these children in this hostel only one is a true orphan with the rest pretty evenly divided between single parent homes, and both parents being alive. They stay at a hostel (really a home) because their parents are poor farmers, and many of them are addicted to heroin. These children would not have the chance to go to school, to church, and to have bright futures if they stayed at home. They might not even have enough to eat. These children, the others that I teach at night, and my Bible students are all cared for by different members of the same family. They have no large charity backing them. They have no charity backing them, except the charity of friends. They are not rich people, but they have been sharing what they have with others for years. The woman whose home my evening class lives in has had children staying at her home for longer than I have been alive. 

If you would like to financially support any of these three groups you can send me a check in the mail (preferably in the next two days) and my loyal assistant (my mom) will deposit it in my bank account and I will withdraw the money here in Myanmar and give it to the right person/people. I can assure you the money will be well spent. I wish I had more to give myself! If you do want to give, make out the check to Tatiana Martin with Myanmar in the memo. You can further designate it to Bible students, afternoon class, or evening class. If undesignated I will evenly split it between all three. Mail the check to:

11 Dandiview Acres

Seabrook, NH 03874

Prayer Requests:

• That the weather would be nice on Saturday (aka not raining) so that we can go on our planned hike and foraging with the afternoon class.
• That I will be heathy
• That I will do a good job in my last week of teaching (how do I only have a week left?!?!)
• That the students will remember what they have learned
• That their caretakers, this amazing family will have the rest, health, support, and strength they need to continue in their good work
• That all their financial needs will continue to be met

Thanks and love to you all!!!

Chasing a Herd of Cows Away from Dinner, and Other Adventures

English class with the Bible students a few days ago started with us talking about our families. All of them come from farming families, and some have large families with eleven being the biggest. Well, class really started with me walking into the classroom where four of the students were sitting at the table chattering. I sat down in my seat at the head of the table ready to wait for the last student. I made eye contact with one of the girls and casually said "Good morning." At this, all four of them popped out of their chairs, crossed their arms and said in unison "Good morning teacher!"

My five wonderful students from the discipleship course.

The first time I noticed a student standing up and crossing his arms across his chest, I thought maybe he was nervous, or trying to be macho. After the next few did the exact same pose, I realized that's how they're trained to address their teachers.

My afternoon children's class is very fast to learn new things. I have almost run out of things we can point to and name in the "classroom" (a walled in concrete patio). So I drew some stuff on the board, and before I could even finish the drawing they would yell out "flower, tree, ship." I asked them some simple questions. The littlest ones (eight to nine) have trouble answering even their name and age. The older ones I asked what color their clothing was, if they were tired, what they like to drink. Sometimes they need help to answer, sometimes not, and they pick it up quickly.

My afternoon class waiting for some refills of school supplies

This boy is so sassy and always joking. I have asked the class
to tell me what he was doing twice, once when he was drawing
a flower on his hand, and the other time when he was preening
in a mirror. He has been a little embarrassed to be called out by
the teacher for doing these during class, but a good sport over
all and now the kids know the sentences "He is looking in a mirror."
and "He is drawing."

Class with the Bible students yesterday started with reading though the beatitudes. They seemed so much more applicable to these students, all from farming families, and planning to go out to share the gospel with other tribes, than they seem back home among the comfortable. I know the verses apply to every believer, but they seemed to have a special emphasis and be a blessing straight from Jesus for these students as bit by bit we read through them together. Some day I hope I get to see where these five go. With their earnest work ethic and sweet spirits, I expect it will be far.

Ever have to chase a herd of cows away from your dinner? That's what happened last night when I went with a group of sixteen kids and their caretakers to a swimming pool at a Hindu temple. When the cows started charging our area the girls ran screaming, with one grabbing a dinner basket on the way, while the boys aged nine to thirteen used their karate kicks to drive the cows away from our area! They might be kids, but the boys are already taking care of the girls/damsels in distress!

It's amazing how much bodies can acclimate to different conditions. The kids here are used to the heat and it doesn't really bother them. The swimming pool we were at is fed constantly by a mountain stream. I thought it was a very pleasant temperature, it was WAY warmer than the ocean ever gets! But to the kids it was very cold and in less than an hour they were all laying and squatting on the concrete shivering and trying to get warm. They changed into some pretty heavy duty coats and sweatsuits, while I stayed in my wet swimming clothes and felt fine.

On the far left is Peter's sister and brother who run the home my afternoon kids live at. The little girl in the grey polka doted sweatsuit is their little girl. The woman on the right is Peter's mother who runs the orphanage my night class goes to who I have yet to photograph. 

She's so cold after swimming!

Prayer Requests:

• Good rest. I have trouble sleeping at night, but thankfully am usually able to to get a nap. 
• Good lessons. 
• That I would do everything I am supposed to while here. 

First Day Teaching

Today I became an English teacher. This is something I was planning to do after graduating college and getting a TEFL certificate. However, sometimes before you feel you are ready, you are asked to do something. So here I am in northern Myanmar teaching English to five young adult Bible students, and two groups of about twenty children at orphanages.

This morning's lesson at the Bible school was awkward, but full of laughter. No one knew just what I was supposed to do. The head of the program was not sure how good they are at English, and left everything up to me to evaluate their proficiency and come up with an hour and a half lesson. The students told me through their assistant who's English is the best that they wanted to work on their pronunciation, but could not tell me any words or sounds they especially needed help with. This was my first time teaching English, and I had zero direction. So I asked if they could answer some questions, like how old they were, and the assistant said yes, but no one did. Then she handed me a brand new blue dry erase marker and said I could write things on the board. So feeling rather desperate I turned to the board my mind racing wondering what I should write. I took the cap off the marker and stalled for time by carefully putting the cap on the end of the marker while looking at the empty stained white board. Then I wrote

"My name is Tatiana/Iana (they are calling me Iana because Tatiana is way too long and hard)
I am 22 years old (which surprised lots of them! I think they assumed I would be older than all of them)
I am from America (That one was already known, but I wanted to hear where they were all from)
I am a college student"

Then, thankfully, they went around the room and gave the same styled introduction with the first girl ending with "I am a Bible school" instead of "student", which got everyone laughing, and helped to break the ice.

After they finished their introductions, I was again faced with an hour and a half to fill, and no lesson plan, or even guidance beyond "They want to practice their pronunciation." At least now I knew from the introductions that they knew how to speak basic sentences. After what felt like an eternity, but was only a few minutes at most, what we decided on doing was using their English grammars as material. They read the simple sentences, and I listened and corrected their pronunciation. At first they were all speaking in a group and it was a little challenging to hear what they were really saying. Then they had fill in the blank exercises with sentences where they had to find the right word. For example one set of ten was filled in with doesn't/didn't/am not/haven't/hasn't. They all filled in the page, and then we read the sentences one at a time. I went first so that they no one was embarrassed if they had chosen the wrong word, and so that they could hear the correct pronunciation. Then they went one at a time with me correcting them. They all struggle with th, which is common, and I told them more than once that they needed to stick their toungs between their teeth so that they were saying this instead of dis. They seemed to be embarrassed of doing it and there was lots and giggling and hiding behind books while they tried to work it out to my satisfaction. I tried my best to balance kindness and understanding with being strict and truely helping them to improve.

Then in the afternoon I went to one orphanage and taught about fifteen kids. Their English was okay. They have some basic vocabulary and can speak simple sentences like "My name is ____". We sang some songs, learned the words of everything in sight, which they learned impressively fast!, and then they all said their favorite hobby, color, and animal. I had a hard time not falling over laughing when one of the older girls stood up to say her favorite color and instead of saying "My favorite color is yellow." she said in total seriousness "I am a banana." I am laughing again writing this. It is an understandable mistake, but for a girl of twelve to stand up, and not as a joke, say "I am a banana." is very amusing.

In the evening I worked with another group of kids who's English is not as good. Having everyone say their name and age at the beginning of class was a huge struggle. Only a few could say their age without the translator giving them the word. 

I have to go now!

Please be praying that I will do well as a teacher. That I will think of good things to teach the children. That they will remember their lessons. That I will connect with them not just as teacher, but as friend. Also, please pray for health! It's a challenge here.

First Full Day in Myanmar!

I loved the look of this street in Yangon.

She walked up to Peter and said "Hello Uncle. We negotiate." and then followed him through the market till he gave in a bought a fan from her. This is the smile of success.

The whole team together.

More tomorrow my loves, but for now I need sleep!

To Lift Up:

• I start teaching tomorrow. Please be asking that it will go well and that I will be useful
• For health. The food is not agreeing with my stomach, and two of Peter's sisters are sick.
• Safety. So far so good!
• Money. My bank lost the information of my trip and blocked the ATMs from working here. I sent them a message and my card should be working tomorrow.

Of Marriage and Ducks

I believe that the truth will set you free. There are times when being discreet is good, and oversharing is a real thing. However, I am going to be very open with you all. There are a few reasons for this; it is only when you are open and show people the real you, that you can have people really love you, more vulnerable and open sharing brings me more growth, and hopefully this policy of vulnerability and openness will help others. With this explanation in place, I welcome you to read on and learn of some of my struggles and triumphs of the last couple weeks.

I started this post a few days ago when the ruthless furnace aspect of the world was hitting me harder and it was hard to find a way to accept gladness. I felt very restless and like some bigger changes are coming, either by choice or involuntary. Thankfully, I am in much higher spirits now.

Fast approaching, and indeed already begun, are my college finals. I have less than two weeks left, and cannot wait to be done. This is a time of some stress and insecurity for me. I am so burnt out from school work and longing for my summer vacation, but yet I am in one of the hardest parts of the semester. School has some big logs in my ruthless furnace right now. I realized while looking forward to my summer break, that due to the college class I took last summer, I have not had any substantial brakes from college and textbooks in over a year. Also during that year I went on three service trips, including one overseas, plus a family trip to visit cousins. I am so excited to visit my cousins next month and not pack textbooks in my luggage. The thought of how light my duffle bag will be on sleepovers with friends, minus the textbooks and laptop I will not need, is thrilling! This is a temporary change to my schedule that I am totally in favor of.

Another log in my ruthless furnace and piece of my restlessness was dealing with boys...well really men and marriage. I am what some would term "a child of divorce.", and both of my parents are with people who have been divorced. There are lots more divorces and separations among my aunts, uncles, and cousins. I just counted ten off the top of my head. I have seen beautiful marriages. Long lasting marriages where the couple have learned to support each other in intuitive ways, and to be filled with happiness doing it. Looking at them, and the destructive, unhappy, or prematurely ended marriages around them, I can see some of how they went right where the others went wrong, but I also find things that confuse and worry me. The power of free will is the most frightening. No matter how amazing of a wife I pull off being, there is nothing I can do to guarantee that my husband will keep loving me, that he will stay with me, forgive me, have fun with me, etc. Almost everything that can go wrong in a marriage can also be overcome, and even make the marriage stronger because of the couple joining together to fight and overcome as a unit. There is no guarantee that anyone will want to fight and overcome though. That is what scares me about free will. I long for a good marriage. I enjoy alone time, but something I like even more is being with someone I am super close to and doing my alone time stuff with them. For example, I am laying on the bed doing my homework (because my favorite homework position is flat on my stomach) while they are sitting at the desk doing some online shopping. I want to be that kind of life long companion with someone. We are not doing anything together, but we still want to be together. I also want a ministry partner. Some of my biggest heroes are single women who devoted their lives to ministry, however I would like someone to share the burden with. We do not even need to be doing the exact same ministry. I want someone I can fully share with, someone to pray with every night (and more!) about the people we care about and are trying to help. I want someone who will just hold me when the enormity of the task seems too much and what we can accomplish seems too small. What is interesting and rather ironic, is that although I want marriage, it is not when I don't have guys I am interested in that I am the most worried. I get most concerned when a guy seems more and more like he could be a fantastic match. Choosing a spouse is one of the most, if not the most, important decisions I will make as an adult. I do not want to choose poorly. Therefore, it is when a man seems to be presenting himself as a good choice that I start minority freaking out. When there is no option, there is only waiting.

And let me tell you, waiting does not mean doing nothing! Waiting means working on building good habits, and ending bad ones. Waiting means enjoying my time with my first family before I move away and start my own. Waiting means schoolwork, friends, church, volunteering, walks in the woods or at the beach, etc.

Speaking of volunteering. Waiting means I was free to spend the weekend before this last one helping at an InterVarsity retreat center in the woods on a lake in the western part of my state. The first day was spent mostly shoveling dirt and gravel. Our leader said it well "There is nothing fun about shoveling rock." While I agree with him that it is not fun, it is rewarding to see a space transformed and know it was your sore muscles and perseverance (along with the rest of the team's) that did it. The next day I waved goodbye to my teammates who went hiking while I stayed at the center until early afternoon and enjoyed being in nature, just me and God. I started devotions in their outdoor "chapel" (a few sad rotting wooden benches down an overgrown trail with a huge cross at one end) than moved on to stage two of Bible reading and journaling in a kayak on the small private lake, and then I finished the afternoon walking down one of their mossy trails taking pictures, praying, and singing worship.

Doesn't this path look so inviting?

I not only walked over this adorable little bridge, I sat cross legged
and barefoot on it for a while just singing.

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention I did the whole walk barefoot
and not only got mud between my toes, but also stabbed myself
and bled from a stick?

I love all the colorful and beautiful details to be discovered.

I learned a little bit about rest that day, mostly that it is okay to do. I was feeling like maybe I should only spend two hours instead of the five I could and go to a group meeting. I felt guilty for not wanting to go, but instead wanting an extra three hours to be by myself reading, writing, singing, and walking. Then I went paddling out into the lake and read in Exodus that God commanded the Israelites to rest on the seventh day. This was such a serious offense that death was the punishment! It said that when God himself created the world in six days that after "He rested and was refreshed." Here I had been feeling guilty for wanting three hours, but no longer. I went with a light and happy heart into those woods.

Sunset on the lake where I learned it is okay to take time to rest

Not only did I get to see ducks on the lake, I also saw loons,
a tadpole, and a turtle!

That is all for tonight (which you are probably super thankful for if you even made it this far!) Thank you for your support, love, and friendship. I hope you all find time to feed your souls with volunteering and time alone with God.

Love,

Tatiana

Prayer Points (because even if I am not overseas I could still use some!)

• That I will finish the semester well
• That I will find time to pack for my trip and will not forget anything important!
• That I will be doing what I should to prepare for my upcoming trips overseas (I am going to look at sending off my passport for visa number one this week)
• Thanks that the semester is almost over, and that I had such a wonderful weekend at Toah Nipi
• For all the Chinese kids that America World has files for to find families
• For the kids that I will be meeting on my next overseas trip.

An Added Mission

Painting I did tonight about my new calling to mobilize first the American Christians to adopt from Southeast Asia, and then Christians everywhere to adopt children in need everywhere. Sorry if you cannot read the captions, on the left in the U.S. it says "We have room and love for more!" in the airplane it is "I wonder what my new home will be like..." top in China "I wish I had a mommy & daddy" bottom in China "WAAAAH!" (It is a little baby crying) The top banner is "Families open hearts, hands, and homes to lonely babies and children all over the world"

Hello my dear friends and supporters,

Today has been quite the day! It started by getting to sleep in because thankfully my morning college class was cancelled due to the snow. I am still trying to get over jet lag so the extra sleep was much appreciated.

I am a bit embarrassed to say that I did not accomplish much with my morning and afternoon off. I allowed distracting thoughts to make me unproductive. Fretting about boys while trying to do accounting homework is usually not good for the accounting. Who would have guessed?

In the early evening I decided to look at some YouTube videos and take a break from accounting because I had gotten to a problem I did not know how to answer and I did not feel like going through the work of figuring it out. I started with some silly videos of my favorite YouTubing twins. They are so funny! I have always had a huge interest in twins, and I hope someday that I will be a mother to twins. After wasting fifteen/twenty minutes one of the suggested videos for me to watch was The Houses Where China's Babies Are Abandoned. After that I watched The Dying Room. I am going to link to the documentaries that I watched, but I will warn you The Dying Room is not pleasant to watch. It is not easy to watch. I would advise that you not watch it in front of your children. It is hard to see. Even if you think you are prepared, as I did. After watching these two documentaries about the how many babies are abandoned and the deplorable conditions some of them live in I was heartbroken, depressed, angry, and overwhelmed. I wanted to bring these children home and take care of them! However, I knew that is not an option.

Ever since I was five, I wanted to be a wife and a mother. As I grew and my hopes expanded to "I want to be a mother to a big family with some adopted children." When I was around ten I first heard about the Gilbreth family and my mother read me the book Cheaper by the Dozen. They were an amazing big family with twelve children who were completely misrepresented in the Hollywood movies about their lives. At the end of it I thought "If it is cheaper by the dozen; I'll take two." and ever since then I have felt a desire and the capacity to care for around twenty-five children. I still fully plan to mother around twenty-five children. I don't know where I will find a husband who will share this dream and passion for children, but I have decided if such a man cannot be found, then somehow, someway I will find a way to do it by myself. If Mother Teresa could, why can't I?
In watching The Dying Room and seeing children who are tied to chairs over their potties all day long, and babies who live in soiled diapers until they have sores, and sick ones left in rooms to die alone, I was broken again for these children.

I looked up some statistic numbers and discovered that if the numbers I got were accurate for every orphan in the world that is living on the streets or in an orphanage, there are eight Americans who identify as a Protestant Christian. We outnumber them eight to one and yet there are still over seventeen million of them out there. How can this be?!?!

Now I am well aware that not every Protestant Christian has the ability to adopt. I myself am to my great dismay not yet in a place to adopt. Many who care are too poor, already have as many children as they can take care of, are unmarried and unprepared for single parenthood, do not have the emotional strength, etc, but at the same time, eight to one seems like a ratio that we could handle and eliminate. If just one in eight Protestant American Christians would adopt one child we could get them off the streets and out of the understaffed and overcrowded orphanages. Some of the orphanages I have been in have amazing caretakers, and the children go to school and all their physical needs are met. I am not saying all orphanages are awful evil places. However, even in the best I have seen there are always many more children than adults, and I worry that the kids may not get a hug every single day. They may not have an adult who believes in them and takes the time to help them learn to be a healthy, happy, productive adult.

Eight to one seems like a ratio that we should be able to handle, even more so if we bring in more countries and religions. I am not asking or expecting other families to say that they want to have families with twenty-five children. I know that most families do not have the skills, resources, desire, or calling to have such large families. This is my mission and not theirs. However. I do think that Christian families should consider saving at least one. At least one little Honduran boy who sleeps on the streets every night and who collects glass bottles from the local dump to make enough money to eat. To save one little Ukrainian girl who is working in a brothel at 10 years old because it's the only option she sees. There are children who need homes. There are children who need love! There are children who need a family! There are children who need you. Even if you say that you don't have the ability to adopt right here right now, or ever, there is something you can do. You can support someone else who has or is thinking of adopting. You can help by praying for people who work with these children. You can help by just believing in us who are called to work with these children and giving us the emotional support and friendship we need.

I often run into people who don't believe in or get what I'm doing. Who think it is a waste for me to go to Southeast Asia to help dirty, bedraggled, disabled children when I could have so much more comfortable and beautiful a life here. But while those children's lives are ugly, my life is pointless. My life only has purpose and meaning when I'm helping others. There's a verse in the Bible where Jesus says "Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. " I find my life and my purpose when I am with these children in Southeast Asia. I hope someday to visit more of the world and more of these children to help them, but for now Southeast Asia has more than enough babies to keep my heart and my hands full.

The first video I watched, The Houses Where China's Babies Are Abandoned is about safe places the government has set up for parents to leave their children instead of abandoning them in alleys and public parks. It is a great idea! However, I was distraught that one of the drop offs was closed because the orphanage attached with it reached capacity when over two hundred babies were left. As I said I felt despair and hopelessness from watching both the videos. This problem is far too big for me to handle on my own. No matter how many children I adopt, no matter how many children I take care of either on my own, or with my husband at my side, I cannot care for them all. I started ranting at God. I looked around as I got ready to leave for class at church and I thought about how pointless the things that surrounded me seemed to be in light of these children's existence. I yelled at God "What is the point of pretty clothes?! What is the point of beauty?? What is the point of freshly painted walls if there are children who are spending hours in dirty diapers or tied to chairs?!?! He soothed and calmed me in His gentle way, but He did not put the fire out in my soul. He assured me there is purpose in beauty. There is meaning in love and romance. There is reason for joy. The injustice, pain, and deprivation breaks His heart too, but His heart can hold joy and suffering. God was showing me that I will see both in this world, and I will need to let Him carry me through the lows, and dance with me on the highs. He also wanted to expand my vision and calling tonight to be bigger than it was before. I said "God I cannot do this alone!!!" and whispered "You don't have to, and you won't. You will work with many amazing passionate people. You will call to arms hundreds." I feel vulnerable and exposed writing this down and sharing it with you all. Like if I say it I might pop the beautiful calling and be proven a crazy dreamer. However, I feel the need and desire to share. I ranted at God that His church was not doing enough. I asked Him why He let us have so much free will, and why we pick selfishness so often. I asked Him why more of His people do not adopt, and why he has not raised people up to galvanize the sleepers to action. Then I apologized for my outrage and passion, but He told me not to. He said the He is rising me up to turn attention to the orphans of the world. That one of my jobs is going to be talking to families and lighting within them a passion to care for the most vulnerable of the world. He told me not to apologize for the passion and outrage and fire. He lit it.

This song has resonated with me since I found it, but especially tonight.

Goodnight my dears. Please pray for me. This task is far beyond me.

Also, if you are wanting an organization to donate money to to help children I ask you to consider Orphan Voice. They are the amazing organization I have worked with in Vietnam. One of their many programs that I especially love is Keeping Families Together where they support poor families with food, medical care, and other needs so that they do not need to abandon their children. You can look at it as orphan prevention.

Link to The Houses Where China's Children Are Abandoned

Link to The Dying Room 

Getting to Know Her, Getting to Know All About Her, Getting to Love Her...

Hello my Fabulous Supporters.

Just spent the morning of day three with the kids. We're home for siesta now so I decided to tell you a little about how I am doing, and my favorite girl.

When I first walked in Monday morning and was confronted with twenty-five to thirty kids none of whom I shared a language with it was daunting to try to choose who to interact with first. A little tiny peanut caught my eye though. She is only a couple of months old and has huge loving eyes. I held her for a while and then moved on to one of the bigger kids. I bounced from one child to another all morning. We were all trying to make sure that every single child got attention, and it was rather a whirlwind of activity. By the time we finished lunch and headed to the hotel for a brake I was done in! It was exhausting in every aspect. I was excited and ready by the time our afternoon session came around though, especially because we were starting evaluations for the children we are working to find families for. It was a bit of happy chaos with Joanne, Kim, and Amy doing very professional checks on where the kids were medically/physically, and the rest of us scribbling notes, comforting children, snapping photos, etc. Their little personalities really started to emerge in that room. Jessica, the little show off who went up and down a little set of stairs over and over and with each completion looked to Barb for clapping. Jason, a serious little man who love to string beads or any other busy work. L, our emotional one who giggles, yells, cries, or wines depending on what is going on.

Yesterday began much the same as the first day. Lots of bustling around trying to make sure everyone got some loving. Until I was pulled aside to go to the sick room and photograph a new one of ours. She only seemed to have a minor cold, and was back with the whole bunch today. The first thing I noticed was the quiet in the room. There were only four children, and none were making any noise. At first I thought the one Kim was holding was ours, but she was just loving on the others while waiting for me. Then I got to meet the sweetest little girl I am going to call Susie for now.

I am going to write a whole post about this one once I have the go ahead from America World. They will make sure all of her information is correct, that she is adoptable, and that her paperwork is ready first. This will be with all of the children so stories about them will be limited for a while. I spent most of the rest of the morning checking in with people who were working with our listed kids adding in what they had observed to the children's evals. In the afternoon I got to spend most of the time getting to know little Susie. She likes Eskimo kisses and has the cutest little giggle.

I am hoping that we find her a wonderful family because she captured my heart in just a couple hours. It is amazing how kids can do that. Today I was in the sick room again for about an hour. It was not with Susie because she had been deemed well enough to go back with all her little playmates. There was only one little delicate baby in the sick room today. I walked her back and forth in front of the windows singing every song I could think of. She has big eyes and tiny feet. Once I got tired of walking in circles I sat down and leaned back with her on my chest. I sung her to sleep while patting her back to help with the congestion until one of the nannies came to take her, I think for a bath. That little one stole another piece of my heart. I think I am going to have to grow a bigger heart to share if I keep meeting so many kids who steal pieces of it away!

Thank you for your support. It still means a lot!

~Tatiana

• Please be thinking about these kids and hoping for good families with me.